Here it is, a beautiful Monday in Colorado. At the end of this week at 7:30am on Friday, I will check in for another surgery. I am not sure why I am feeling so blah, numb, unaffected by this today. I am emotionally drained and unable to give this thought an ounce of my energy. I nanny 10 month old twin girls (I have no idea why I am watching other people's children, secretly anguishing for my own) and they kept me smiling today. Although when they nap, I am back to feeling horrible. Why couldn't I just take this week off from work, actually take care of myself, my mind, my body for once? I am not sure how to do that anymore....I am actually really disappointed with my body, for not allowing the second baby to continue past 6 weeks 2 days.
I keep thinking back to last week, actually the last few weeks and how silly I thought I was for talking to the baby inside me and literally asking it not to die that day. Each day I told it to grow big and fat and healthy and to keep growing. I thought I was nuts for thinking this could happen again. But here I am.
I feel so weird this week. Sad yes......but more just blah. I am so uncomfortable in my body. I do not want to go down a road that many women have been traveling. I selfishly still want to be that woman who basically thinks of getting pregnant and bam... it happens. The woman who cannot stay out of the bathroom from vomiting....which in my mind would be wonderful because it seems like healthy babies make you puke. I want to be that woman who sails through each OB appt, sees everything develop normally.
I spent a lot of time this weekend looking for more blogs with women like me. I am trying to say hello and find a new community of people who know this is happening to me. Because we have not told our friends or family (which believe me, is easier for my hubby and I), I have to use this as my outlet. I will probably not write again until after Friday. Right now I have my pre-op appt for Thursday, surgery on Friday and my first appt with a Repro. Endocrinologist on 11/30 ( although I am not sure I want to do this step yet....any opinions/suggestions on this would be helpful).
Monday, November 5, 2007
Surgery this week
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1 comment:
I would say "welcome," but this is not a club anyone really wants to join.
I think there is a separation between when you emotionally and when you physically disengage from a pregnancy. I was still extremely raw, but almost done with the mourning by the time I had my D&Cs.
I *highly* recommend an RE, but specifically look for one who specializes in "recurrent pregnancy loss."
L (aka MissedConceptions)
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