Balloon of Hope....pop!

Last Thursday in class, I realized one of the women was pregnant. I realized she was commenting softly to her friends on the other side of class that she was "so gaggy" on the way to class. She had her usual text and notes but under it all, she had a copy of What to Expect....which she was trying to also read during lecture. During the break, she was sitting on one of the desks chatting about how early she was, how excited she was and she was absolutely glowing.....I was filled with this rage and jealously for 4 hours watching her. I went home in shambles and talked with hubster. After pouring an extremely full goblet of wine(I mean fish bowl goblet), I began my rant.

How can she be so naive and innocently telling people when she was so newly prego, before she even has her first OB appt? How can she even dare to read that book past the point of her current week? How can she sit there gleefully, innocently and just share her bubbling excitement - does she not realize that some women in the room may want to go over and pluck every one of her hairs out in jealousy? This woman is so naive, she does not know anything about the other side of pregnancy. She thinks in terms of growth, budding fingers, take your folic acid, stay away from x-rays.....eat 300 more fucking calories a day....she does not know what beta testing means, progesterone levels and compulsively checking your underwear for any spots and scooping your "products of conception" out of your toilet with a spoon. What a bitch.....

Well last night she was not in class until halfway through. When she got there she looked horrible and had the glassy stare....I just knew. When we had a break she went up to the professor and told him what was going on....I heard blips...."had a scare, blood work, ultrasound this coming Monday....". I went over to her and knelt down and told her I overheard her. I told her I had miscarried twice since April (in return she looked at me horrified...perhaps wanting me to step back in case my baby killing vibes could affect her inner nesting). I simply told her that Monday may seem really far away but to stay strong, stay busy and she would have more answers in no time. She was the most optimistic woman in the world. She was emotionally drained, I could see that....but she went on and on about how the docs said everything would be fine, her uterus felt like it was getting bigger, her beta would double and her docs told her to stay positive because studies show that if you are really optimistic you have a better chance of carrying your baby to term. How cute is she??!!I mean really cute, she reminded me of myself back in May and I did not want to go any further with her.

She fished a little bit to find out more about what I thought and if things would be okay. I told her I would be thinking of her and wished her luck on Monday. It was not my job to puncture her balloon of hope. Last week I wanted to scream all of the ugly deep dark secrets about what else can happen when you are pregnant which her pastel colored pregnancy book did not cover.

But this week, I wanted to protect her from everything I have seen.