Dear Body

My Dear Body-

We have been together for 29 years. For the first 25 of them, we simply just went through the motions. In our early years, we played, ran around in the New England woods, got plenty of poison ivy and thoroughly enjoyed licks from our golden retrivers. From 11-17, I was a little freaked by how much you were changing and wondered just how long our boobs would continue to grow. I had no idea why you cycled each month and had no clue what was going on in there....I just knew each month you made me a little batty, crampy and spotty. I just hoped your magical, mysterious event would not come around on prom night!

From 19-25, we moved out West and started college! We enjoyed eating what we wanted and the new taste of Colorado micro-brews. We walked to class each day, slept cozily each night and grew quite comfortable together, enjoying dinners, hikes and the sunshine. I got engaged to our man J. All of the micro-brews and wonderful foods caught up to us and we needed to downsize. You come from a long line of heart attacks and diabetes so I knew you were already vulnerable and fragile and I needed to take action. 60 lbs. later, we were back to normal and feeling much better about our lifestyle changes and from that point on, I have had a main focus to keep you as healthy as possible. I take good care of you, I hope.

It was not until I was 25 when I realized that I would want more from you soon. Something clicked and I began to think about the journey we had ahead of us. I was thrilled that I had you in the shape you needed to be, I trained you to enjoy exercise and eat well and now we would wait....we both understood that even though we were ready, our main squeeze J probably wanted the wedding to be over and some time to get on the same boat. We would be patient and wait for the day he mentioned having children.....

In January of 2007, he did! We went off of birth control pills (yeah sorry about those for 13 years). We decided to meet with our OB in February to make sure there was nothing else we could do for you before you began nesting and growing our little ones. We spent February-April making changes to our diet and lifestyle. We began reading TTC books and learning about all of your inner tricks and signs that you and your fertility were working correctly.

April came and we began our journey. We got pregnant the very first month. I just knew this was a journey we were made for. I had thought about my role as a mother for a long time and when I finally convinced you and J to come along, it felt wonderful. This was an amazing 8 weeks. I looked at you differently in the mirror. Even though we had put some padding back on, I now loved every inch of you because you were growing our baby. We were not telling anyone until 12 weeks so this was our little secret, just the 3 of us. You began spotting at about 6 weeks though. I kept trying to tell the nurses and doctors but they said it was fine, bodies do that when pregnant. No big deal. At our 8 week appointment, our little one had no heartbeat. For one week, I did have a hard time accepting you. I was furious, sad and confused why our journey ended with you taking on the role of a walking coffin for a week. We had surgery and woke up empty. I was empty and grieving. You were empty and aching. "We'll get there someday", I said.

After a few months of rest, we tried again. We did not do anything different and got pregnant again right away. Again, you and I fell in love. I know you were a little nauseous and your boobs were getting quite big. But we both knew this was it. I began to speak to the baby inside you from the very beginning, asking it to grow big and strong. Each night I thanked you for taking care of it. Well, at about 6 weeks you began spotting again but we went for an ultrasound right away and there was a beautiful heartbeat. We were sent home with smiles and told to relax. That we did. We actually thought about June 2008, when we would complete our mental and physical journey and we would bring home a baby. Instead we lost this one too. The day we found our it was a genetically normal girl, we ached and cried for hours.

I think I should have been angry at you for doing this to me again, but I wasn't. Deep down I just knew there had to be something that you could not help. From December to March we have been poked, prodded and you have become more of a vessel to my doctors. We have found that the only explanation we have is that when you were being put together and growing at 20 weeks gestation, you did not completely finish growing right. I am sad but it is okay. We will get you fixed and we will try again. You have been good to me for the last 29 years. In the last year you have kept me going when my mind wanted to quit and I owe this to you.

I know you could not do anything to save our babies. The hardest part was that you knew, you knew way before me that they would not make it. Even when we knew they were no longer growing, you held onto them and the doctors had to take them away from us. Those days of agony and pain and holding on remind me that we are ready and we will get there someday.

So for now we are on a break from or journey until September. We will have surgery to fix your septum in April and we will take the summer to go back to the things we love. We will hike and enjoy the summer. We will feast on sushi and wine and coffee. I will keep an eye on you and make sure you get even healthier for round 3 in this journey. I love you and hope you will stay with me throughout whatever comes our way and I promise to find the trust I need in you to get through this.

Love,
Me