The depths of my sadness and grief are a place I do not go to very often anymore. I hardly go back and visit past my blog entries or open my hospital folders from last year. I have a beautiful journal I bought and wrote in for 6 weeks in my first pregnancy which I never open. I have a CD with 33 images of my second pregnancy and one ultrasound picture of the day I saw my baby's heartbeat, both of which are placed in the first pouch of a highly organized grey binder. I often pretend they are not there. I brush my teeth everyday in my one bathroom, sometimes not even thinking about what happened in there in November. Each day I move along and feel more and more focused on what is to come. Today however, I heard a song that completely sidelined me out of nowhere.
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Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.” - Alice Walker
- Meg
- I love my family, my home and my neighborhood. I love the change of seasons and going to bed early. I love breakfast and Christmastime.
16 comments:
WOW- that song is so powerful and tearful. I am sorry you were side-swiped today.
Oh yes. This song always makes me cry. Another one of their songs that I find very powerful, but in a more hopeful way is "Everything's Not Lost."
I'm so sorry you had to go through such a terrible experience. I don't mean that in a pitiful way- I'm in awe of your strength. No one should have to go through that.
I hope tomorrow is better for you.
Songs can transport you to a place and time like nothing else.
For better of for worse.
Hugs, Meg.
Beautiful song, I left your site open for a while and let it play over and over. Thanks for sharing.
The image of where you brush your teeth was a powerful one. If only we could move each time a tragedy happened, to wipe the reminders of pain away.
That is a very powerful song. I've also had a song floor me by digging up old memories.
I've been enjoying another Coldplay song recently called 'Til Kingdom Come'. I think it's about finally admitting your love for someone after a long while. I could also see addressing it to an unborn child. Here are a few lines from the song:
Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.
The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Oh Meg,
I am in tears. My heart breaks for the loss you have experienced. No one should ever have to feel that pain.
It is amazing how grief can sneak up on us that way....how it never really goes away. And how truthfully, we probably would never want it to go away completely - because that grief is evidence that we have loved, and hoped, and given of ourselves. But most of the time, it resides somewhere quiet inside of us. Then suddenly, a song, a smell, an image - brings it back out....and we are often surprised at how much of it is still there, how much it still hurts.
My heart goes out to you. These tears you cry are sacred.
That is when it is hardest. When you feel like you have accepted the past and are focused on the future then something comes out of nowhere and you feel like you are at square one.
I am sorry it happened to you today. Here's to a better tomorrow! ((((((HUGS))))))
I am sorry for the difficult day.
I had to bury the letters I wrote to our baby, it was too painful having them around.
I used to listen to this same song after my miscarriages. Thinking of you and wishing you some peace.
Fantastic song Meg. I think this is one of the reasons why I've added music to my blog. I tend to have a love/hate relationship with many tunes during this mess of a journey. Although they'll make me cry one minute I can't help but acknowledge how they honestly represent my thoughts and feelings. Thank you so much for sharing a good one.
I'm still at the place where everything sideswipes me. Thank you for the song...it fits my mood so much better than the sun shining through the windows and the sounds of strollers being pushed down my street.
Yup. One of my classic total ttc sad songs. It's crazy just how similar many of us are.
Very beautiful post.
Music can have such an impact on our emotions. I sincerely hope that there is no more sidelining. Thinking of you...
I have a song like that, too. It will forever remind me of how utterly broken and lost I felt after my miscarriages. I have places that still make me sad, like a certain exam room in my OB's office and the check-in room in the hospital for both my D&Cs.
Chris wrote this for Gwyneth after her father died, but it does apply to situations beyond that.
I *still* have days where I want to do nothing but wallow in my grief. It does get better, of course, but it will always be a part of who you are. Always.
But someday soon you will feel your baby kick inside you and it will heal it most of the way.
Oh, God, this entry made me cry and ache for you, and I don't even know you! I'm so so sorry...and my prayers and good thoughts go with you as you move forward.
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