We went out for a special date last night before J went to Chicago for the week. We chose a farewell sushi celebration and bought a bottle of wine on the way home. He left this morning and will be back next Wednesday. I am crossing everything I can in the hopes that I will not ovulate until after he comes home.
J told me last week about a young gal that is pregnant at the office.He told me last week that she sent an email out to the entire company announcing her pregnancy. She had found out that morning and continued to unveil a year's worth of trying and hoping to get pregnant. He's her direct supervisor so went over and talked with he more. He told me he is thrilled for her and seemed to really gravitate towards recognizing how hard that year of trying must have been for her.
Last night, he brought her up again and now she is roughly 6 weeks. He said he has been noticing that she seems so carefree and happy about the pregnancy and that she is just so confident about being pregnant. He was amazed that her thoughts initially go to the idea that she will actually have a baby next spring. We talked intimately about how that will not be the way it will be for us.
This is the first time he has really gone to this place voluntarily with me. I lay my feelings out there all of the time but this is the first time he really talked about how he was feeling in response to watching this woman smile and laugh and enjoy her early pregnancy. It broke my heart inside and I cannot help but tear up just typing about him right now. Last night I saw for the first time, he gets it and he is really sad. I made a connection last night to the place within J that lets me know he does think about what happened and how it has changed our experience. I know how much I have lost and I mourn not only the two babies but also the experience of expecting everything will be okay. Maybe he had to experience this loss for himself which I think may be closely watching her grow and enjoy her pregnancy.
It is almost as if the news that our next pregnancy will feel differently for us was kept secret from him and he has just begun to see a glimpse that he too has lost the innocent and exciting experience with being pregnant for the first time.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Connection
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8 comments:
Oh..that is so hard. The mystery of pregnancy has been ruined for many of us. Hang in there, it will still be a beautiful thing for you guys!
wow. what a poignant and sacred moment. I know that moment of connection must have meant so very much to you. It is so huge when we realize our partners are grieving too, that they "get" it. Especially when it has seemed in the past that they haven't. I am glad you wrote about this, I hope it is a moment you remember many times as you walk into this next chapter together. I hope it reminds you that he is in this with you, and that on some level, in his own way, in his own heart - he understands.
May you both continue to find quiet moments of connecting like these, and may they be a comfort and a source of strength for you both.
Even for "normal" people, 5 or 6 weeks LMP is very early to announce the news to the office.
It won't be the same for you two..but..when it happens it's going to be a far more valued experience because of the loss you've experienced.
Mr. Newt grabbed 2% milk at the grocery store the other day, and I said we should get 1%. He said he thought we switched to 2 for the pregnancy. I said, back when we had twins, I was drinking 2% for the extra calories and fat, but now I'm back to 1% (and have been for four months).
He looked startled, and said, and I couldn't believe this, "I haven't thought about baby B in a while."
How could he not think of baby B? He is still with me all the time.
So anyway, I guess I'm hijacking your post to say, I think I understand how much it must have meant to you that your DH actually initiated that conversation. That's wonderful.
I think I mourn that almost as much as I mourn Hannah- the fact that I cannot be excited again. That I can't be naive and expect a living baby even when I got the positive HPT. It's hard to be this person too, because everyone else fully expects that you will have a baby, despite the fact bad things can happen. I don't want anyone to know this time around- as if that will make it any easier on me if things go round. Honestly, I am just jealous of people like your coworker. Sometimes I want to slap people like that, but really I just hope she is not dissapointed and that she is one of the lucky ones.
There is a boy I work with who just found out his wife was pregnant. I say 'boy' because he is 22, graduated college in May and he and his wife JUST got married and she got pregnant on their honeymoon. It was sort of a shock to realize that my due date is two weeks earlier than hers and while the whole universe knows about her pregnancy, my mother doesn't even know about mine.
I reflected on this for a while and I feel like my m/c robbed me of so much - an innocence and care-free happiness I wish I could get back.
Through this whole process, Hubby has been very supportive and very much, "I don't need a baby to be happy with you." This whole time I have been frustrated thinking he didn't want it like I did. Now he has made several comments revealing just how hopeful he is. It has heartbreaking for me to realize how badly he has also wanted a child but didn't know how to handle his lack of control over everything.
It all just sucks.
I think for men in general it comes around a little slower for them. I honestly think Mr. sushinut is still in the "everything is going to be alright, think positive mode" so hats off to your hubby for making the realization. Now that you're both on the same page it might make things a little easier to get through.
I'm totally late commenting on this but what the hay.
I'm glad your husband is seeing things like you are. My guy was probably typical -- didn't really get it, but then every now and then -- maybe once every two months -- made a comment that made me feel like he really did get it after all. Maybe it's in their minds but not on the surface all the time like it is for us.
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