It is the eve of my second trimester with Sprout. Checking in on a week-by-week calendar, I received a huge welcome into this next phase. I also read that I have a baby the size of a Nutter Butter (!) squirming inside of me. Dr. Sears also tells me that after the 12th week of pregnancy the chance of miscarriage nearly vanishes and, even though a later miscarriage is still a risk, the "fear that you can lose this baby should be put aside." Hmmm. Not sure I can just put it all aside.
Maybe I will miraculously wake up tomorrow feeling more at ease with the fact that I have gotten this far. I am grateful to hear Sprout each morning (and night). I have gotten more and more comfortable telling people that we are expecting. I even sent an u/s image of Sprout to my MIL but kind of freaked at her response which had way too many exclamation marks. I am just not ready for the elation from people and their certainty that there will be a baby here in July. We got an overnight package from the in-laws this week with a handmade quilt with a "to-do" list pinned to it. On the list was to start thinking of baby names and to pick out any rocking chair and the "proud grandparents" will pay for it. I knew this was why we waited so long to tell people.
I have no idea how to juggle my surroundings and my own feelings of still being terrified. I am really struggling with the sadness that my first two babies never made it here and I am feeling so sad about them lately. I do not want them to just be brushed aside. Everyone else seems to have moved on....and I am still trying to find a way to remember them. It feels so incredibly isolating.
Everyone around me is so thrilled and expects this all to work out. I am just a little behind. I smile and laugh and find myself daydreaming about preparing for this little one. I do. I just also feel really scared to let my guard down at all.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
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13 comments:
If you're like me, the fear will be slow to abate, but you will begin to get hopeful in the coming weeks. Being less afraid was a welcome relief.
I am so thrilled you are on the cusp of the second trimester!! Hope you post pictures of Sprout from your next u/s.
Just keep taking the baby steps (yes, pun intended). You're doing great! I want you to know that you are really a guiding light for me. We're trying for the third time right now and while I desperately want to be pregnant again, I'm terrified to have to do the 1st trimester all over again. I miss my two babies too and wish I had more than an ornament on our Chirstmas tree and names to make them real. But I guess the sad reality is we can't. So I understand where you're coming from.
Oh, and I tagged you for a meme (if you haven't done this one already). You're welcome. :)
Yeah, I don't think the fear will just disappear at 12 weeks for me either if I make it that far. I do think it will lessen as your pregnancy goes on, but I don't know...people like us just KNOW too much. It's okay to be scared though.
And the elation. ugh. I am not ready for that either. The either day a friend flipped out over the phone and was practically giggling with delight and saying over and over that I am pregnant. Um, yeah, I am aware of that. It was weird, she's know for a while now so it's not like it was new news, and she also knows my story--so why the excitement? I'm just not convinced this is happening yet.
Anyway, all I can say is that everything you seem to be thinking and feeling now seems perfectly reasonable to me. You and Sprout are in my thoughts, and so are your other babies. It's hard when everyone else seems to be "over it" and you are still thinking about those babies and wishing they were in your arms. You don't have to let go of them in order to love this baby, but I am probably just saying things you already know. I think maybe that's why blogging has helped me so much though, it gives me a way to talk about the babies I lost and announce their reality over and over again so they won't be forgotten even if the people around me seem to have moved on.
sending you sooo many positive thoughts and good wishes!
First, you are doing great Meg. Your body is doing what it is meant to do, your baby is growing, and you are further in pregnancy than you have ever been before....I hope you can allow yourself to breathe that in just a little bit.
Secondly, I know it is so hard for you to take in others' responses of joy and elation for you. I know it feels like they have forgotten all you have gone through and just want you to forget it as well. And that is painful. But I think for some at least, it is the knowledge of what you have suffered and lost - it is the darkness you have come through - that makes them want to so wildly celebrate this light with you. We generally, as a culture, suck at staying in grief and pain with others, no matter how much we love them. It makes us uncomfortable. We have no rituals or ways of communally acknowledging it - we tend to be fixers, and if we cannot make it better, sometimes we are just lost. My hunch is that for at least some of the people in your life - they love you, have longed to walk with you, but didn't know how, especially through the pain, but now they feel an invitation and just want to jump in to celebrating with you wholeheartedly. I know that doesn't make the isolation or feelings of being forgotten any less real or painful. But I do think their intentions are probably good. (at least for some)
But only you know how much of this overzealous celebration you can handle. And it is perfectly ok to take a step back and protect yourself from it. You are facing a sacred transition, a letting go and an embracing of what may come - all at the same time. You may need some peace and quiet to get through it well. And there is your blog, and so many of us who will be here to listen when you need to talk about the "what ifs" and when you need to grieve the babies who are not here now. There is space for you, and for them. You are not alone.
That's completely understandable. Hard to let your guard down when disappointment has been a way of life for so long...
It took a long time for me to let my guard down. And when I did, the fear never went away completely; it just gave me a few minutes, then hours, then days of peace. When the issues arose with Harry's heart at 39+ weeks, it was like no time had passed at all. So you're not alone in struggling to put it aside. I'd say it's hard, but to me it felt impossible. And I still feel sadness when thinking of the baby we lost; it's no longer every day, but I doubt I've gone more than a few days. My love for the son I have doesn't diminish my love for the child I don't.
As for the elation of others, I actually found it irritating at first, which seems like a weird response now, but over time I came to join them in it (some people more so than others). Until then, I just faked it, which I think helped me get to a place where I could feel happiness without feeling a concomitant guilt, as if joy for the future took away from the sadness for the past.
Thinking of you.
Congratulations! It must be so relieving to hear your doc say that even if you can't put the fear aside just yet.
"Cautiously optimistic" was my mantra my entire pregnancy. Well, that and "excuse me, I have to go vomit."
I found unadulterated enthusiasm terrifying when I was pregnant, too. It does get better.
MissedConceptions
I still can't handle other people's uncontained enthusiasm when the what-ifs still haunt me. I'm glad I'm not the only one. My mom even asked once, "Aren't you excited?" and I wanted to strangle her.
Welcome to the 2nd trimester - I hope it brings hope and joy, even if the fear doesn't totally go away.
I'm sure there are people in your life who expect you to just be happy now, but there is no way you can expect that of yourself after what you've been through. Give it time. You are doing the best you can.
Thinking of you!
Congrats on the 2nd tri!
I know what you mean about fearing others elation for you. I felt the same way. When I could, I just told people that, especially family.
Other days I was just happy that someone, anyone, could feel joy for this little thing growing inside me. It will get better as the weeks roll by.
You are doing so great, but I know that no many how many times you hear words of encouragement, it will be next to impossible to let your emotional guard down. You can only do that when you are good and ready, and that is absolutely your right.
I had the hardest time letting my guard down, and it caused a few rifts with family members because they didn't get my less than back flipping nature over my pregnancy. It is really scary to step off that ledge, and I don't know if I ever really did before seeing my baby at the moment I gave birth to her. Sometimes that is just the lasting legacy of infertility. It just is.
My hope for you is that you are able to let that guard down sooner rather than later, but know that sometimes it just doesn't happen until that baby is literally in your arms. You are not alone.
Hugs to you...
You'll get there. And in the meantime, what you feel is what you feel. It's okay.
I'm still undone by the 'elation' of others regarding my pregnancy, when I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it all to end in some great tragedy. Besides my annoying in laws who intrude in the most wacky ways, I really don't get the people who keep telling me they're proud of me. WTF???
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