The difference

A year ago, if you ever told me would be doing "this", I would not believe you.

I cried the whole way to the delivery room saying, "I don't want this, I don't want this."

I hear these statements from moms I know and while I know these are authentic statements and a very common experience, my experience becoming a mother is very different. I struggle to relate and I know this is one of the greatest gifts to come out of my losses.

I love Finn. I loved Finn before I even knew he existed. I pictured him in his nursery, in my kitchen sink bathing and playing. I pictured him grabbing his toes on my bed in the morning before his toes had even grown. I dreamt of my child and how I would be as a mother for so long, it hurt. And now I am here. Each morning, when I open his nursery door, I walk slowly over to his crib where he has been babbling and cooing. I lean over to receive the biggest shriek of happiness, kicking feet and a smile that melts me. My eyes immediately fill with joyful salty tears. Still.

There is a difference. My path has allowed me to love where I am and whom I have become.