I have come to this place, about to enter a new post...many times this week. I have nothing to say right now. My mind is full of fluttering thoughts, I cry often and need to vent but I am unable to pinpoint a single thing to say. I have obsessively checked in on all of you and have even ventured into some new blogs. Even blogs with new babies. I am unconvinced I should be there since I am not part of that lucky bunch yet and feel as though I am intruding.I have a hard time smiling or even remotely feeling happy for them at first but it immediately changes when remember it is an IF blogger and I get to the "older posts"...I see where they have been.
They have seen the trenches. Many of my tears are shed going back and reading all about their fears in the early weeks, their progressively more positive posts when the ultrasounds all come back will good news, the details of the birth and their new reflections on parenting. In their posts however, they never forget where they have been and who their audience is. It is a great set of blogs to venture into for hope....
We get our tree Saturday. One of my favorite days of each year.
I love arguing with J at the tree place because I cannot decide on a tree fast enough. I love bickering about how many strands to put on the tree and re-arranging every ornament he randomly places on the first branch he sees. I love smelling the pine and dust-busting needles for an entire month. I love leaving the bottom foot of the tree empty because my black lab is a very naughty little man. I love turning the tree on each night, the second it is dark outside.
I love every part of Christmas time and getting the tree sparks the beginning of the season for us.
I must find the strength to have a good holiday this year.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Holiday Strength
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5 comments:
I like to go read other blogs too and it tends to make me not think so much about what's going on in my life. I know at first I felt like I didn't belong on other IF blogs since I didn't know if I qualified. It's nice to find new blogs to enjoy though. I miss my tree this year but hate to go buy a new one. Enjoy your tree though. It sounds like fun picking it out etc. Oh and I have a naughty cat who chews through the light cords so I know what that's like. Hang in there. Hugs.
I LOVE LOve LOVE the smell of a real christmas tree.
I felt like you did when i started posting in February.. I felt like an outsider, peering in. The more blogs you read hte more normal you feel and hte more comments you post, the more plugged in and support you get. Its a trickle down effect. I hope that you start feeling the blog lovin soon and realize that you are just as much a part of the IF Community as anyone else bloggin their lil heart out.
I am not sure if I answered your quesion about the 15 vials of blood- i did that on my first Consult at the RE's office. It's were we found I had 2 deficinancy of MTHFR (that we are trying to compensate with lovenox and prednisone)
I know what you mean about reading pregnancy blogs. I still read them all, but find that I don't always have as much to comment on, mainly because I can't help answer questions or reassure. I've noticed that blogs that started out as IF when I first read them, I stay on top of much more than a pregnancy one I just stumble upon.
I hope you find that holiday strength. This time of year is just so hard
I've found that reading other blogs of people experiencing IF has been very helpful for me. I'm still quite new to the community but I am so heartened to see how much people support each other.
Enjoy that real Christmas tree and bugging J about the decorations. Despite how tough this time of year can be, there are a lot of great things about it.
Yep.... Even knowing where some IF'ers have been, doesn't make their pregnancies not hurt even just the tiniest bit. Because we are reminded we want that too... I want to see them happy and successful, but I want it for myself too. And we're always scared we might never get our happy ending.
I hope you do find the strength to enjoy the holidays with your husband.
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