I just realized Christmas is next week

That blows my mind. I feel as though the usual festive side of me is someplace hibernating this year. I have walked through the motions of shopping, etc. but this year just is not the same. Each year we have a "cookie day" where we make hundreds of cookies and give out tins of delicious varieties to all friends and co-workers. This year my wonderful hubby made every single cookie. I did decorate the tree but I have severely neglected watering the poor thing. I cannot believe Christmas Eve is Monday. I forgot that until today....when I was driving to work at 7am and was pissed that all around the mall was so freaking busy, making me late for work.

I am still just so sad a lot of the time. With the first m/c they mentioned to me that we could start trying as soon as I was "emotionally ready". I did not understand what that meant, since after one week post d&c I was gearing up for round two....no emotionally ready business for me, I guess. This time though, there is this reminder and sadness that follows me around wherever I go. I just feel so sad a lot of the time, I literally feel the ball in my throat everyday. While I am doing okay and can function throughout the day....I cannot stop hoping that the thoughts I have and the memories I have from this year are about someone else, someone I read about or maybe a character in a movie. I need to come to terms that this is my story and I struggle with the thoughts of how I was in March (just about to TTC) and where I am now are such a distance apart.

There are more innocent reminders as well. I had to rake leaves this year - I thought while raking last year that I would for sure get out of it for 2007, thinking I would be "very" pregnant in November. I had to help haul the tree in this year - same excuse I thought I would have to get out of it. And finally, I do have to go home tonight and shovel snow which is dumping right now and I thought for sure I would get out of all shoveling this year, damn....

I have also started to go a little batty. I keep obsessively thinking about kids in my house. I can close my eyes in my house and picture what their bedroom will look like (Right now it is just painted a delicate yellow and where I have stored clothes and Christmas presents, "the other room" we call it, we stopped calling it the nursery in June.)When I am in the bathroom, I envision a small white stool ready for them to use. When I am cooking in the kitchen, I imagine them with the bottom drawer open playing with all of the Tupperware while I cook. When I wash dishes, I think about bath time in the kitchen. What the hell is going on?

I think I am just so ready to be a mother.