I am having a hard time meandering through this third pregnancy. Over the last year I did not even think about how I would feel about blogging once I was pregnant again. I am feeling really guilty that I am here and so many of you are not. I hope that you know that I am here and still reading along and hoping everyday that we all get what we are so desperately hoping for. I hope some of you still continue to read my blog but will understand wholeheartedly if you choose to step away. I have been there and am often still there.
I go between being so attached to this pregnancy already to trying really hard to forget that I am pregnant for now. I walk though my day thinking constantly about what I will do if this does not work again and I cannot help it. I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy and the fact that nothing out of the ordinary is telling me it is doomed but it is just so hard. J and I can go through an entire day without even talking about it. We are scared and neither of us seem to have enough trust in this process yet.
Maybe I will feel more confident that my body can do this after the ultrasound. Or maybe I will be kicked back down and scheduling a D&C. I feel horrible even placing those thoughts here. But in reality, that is what I am thinking about. I feel like I am a fraud and someone is about to tell me with a smile "No silly, you are not really pregnant. This is not really going to work..."
I am terrified and elated at the same time and I want so badly to just know and trust that this third time can be different. Sometimes I am there and sometimes I just think about everything besides the fact that I am pregnant right now.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
This is hard
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16 comments:
I know it is hard. Confusing. Stressful. You have been robbed of being able to feel the joy that many others are allowed at this time. And the loss of that itself is a lot to deal with.
It sucks, but all you can really do is wait. Pregnancy after loss will be always be difficult. We all just have to do the best we can.
Hang in there.
Don't feel guilty. Of course I wish I could be in your shoes right now, but I would never want to take this baby away from you. It's okay to be happy for yourself (and scared) and still sad for those of us who are waiting and trying (just got a bfn this morning, hoping it is a little early and I still have a chance this cycle, sigh).
I am happy for you. Sad for myself. Scared for myself. And I can understand your fears, understand that feeling of, "no silly, you're not really going to stay pregnant, what are you thinking?" I hope that isn't true for you this time, I hope this pregnancy leads to a healthy baby in your arms.
I agree that pregnancy after a loss will always be difficult. Infertility and losses steal our pregnancy innocence. But grab every single moment of joy that you can and don't let yourself feel guilty for that. Know that we are rejoicing with you for every bit of good news you get.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but it is completely understandable. Being in this type of limbo seems like the hardest kind. Thinking really positive thoughts over here for you and the little one...
I remember feeling guilty too when I finally became pregnant - feeling like I was leaving so many others behind. And the feeling like a fraud? I think it is pretty universal for all women who have suffered infertility in its many forms. Heck, I still wake up some mornings thinking it was all a dream.
But having the losses you have had, I imagine, makes those fears, those feelings of it all not being real - so much more present and powerful.
I have no great wisdom here except to say, feel what you feel - even when it seems you aren't feeling anything at all. Just let it come, and know that whatever you are feeling, wherever you are - it is exactly right for you at that moment. It would be wonderful sometimes to be in a different place, to have had different experiences - and gosh I wish with all my heart you did have different experiences and expectations of pregnancy, that you could simply hope and celebrate with wild abandon - but that may not be the case right now, and for that I hope you are gentle with yourself and approach these thoughts and fears without judgment or regret for not being someone else, somewhere else.
Because you have been through so much - so very much. And your mind and heart are simply trying to protect you right now - and that means they are doing their jobs. When you cannot hope, when you cannot believe in this - we are here - so many of us, believing and hoping with all our hearts for you! Big big hugs to you!!!!
I'm sorry that both of you are having a tough time right now. I hope it gets a bit easier each day, and that you soon be able to find joy in this pregnancy. It sucks how past experiences can color things sometimes.
I identify with your feelings. As LG got closer to arriving, the pregnacy felt more real. Just take care of yourself and enjoy the pregnancy as best you can.
Hi, I found your blog about the same time you found out you're pregnant again and have been checking for updates to make sure everything is going well. Your title caught my eye---after my last miscarriage I told someone that after seeing a heartbeat, statistics were in our favor but I never was good at statistics.
No way am I going to stop reading your blog out of jealousy that you're pregnant and I'm not yet!
I logged on to tell you all the things that everyone else has already told you so I won't repeat all those. Know that you have people out here in blogland cheering for you, rooting for you, and praying for you even though you don't know us.
Be happy, be scared, be excited, be worried....just be however you need to be each day to get through this--it's perfectly fine to feel any, all, or none of those things.
Take care,
Lisa
Wow, such great comments posted here. I just wanted to add that I understand all the things you have said and felt them myself, though I have not experienced the amount of loss you have. I can tell you that I lost sleep because of anxiety and worry about my pregnancy early on, and no matter how hard I tried to be positive, I couldn't. Until..until I sat down and wrote a letter to the baby. I don't know why, but somehow it made me feel better and at more peace. I was able to bond better with the baby and not be afraid to. I was able to sleep through the night. I just thought I'd share in case it is of some help to you. My thoughts are with you.
I feel this way many times as well. I keep thinking one day I will go to the OB, and the sonogram will show an empty uterus and it will turn out that I made the whole thing up because I'm a crazy person. Or, when I worry that something will go wrong, I can't imagine trying again, and I wonder if being a foster parent will be able to fill the void.
I know just how you feel. It made me sick one day when I realized I was looking at my work schedule to figure out when a good time for my D&C would be after my first u/s. Hubby & I didn't talk about it much, either. I just had such a hard time believing in it. Sometimes I wonder if they is why I lost it again.
*SIGH* I hope none of these are your worries much longer.
A friend asked me about a month ago (knowing my situation) when I was "in the clear". I told her, when I delivered a live baby. She nodded in understanding. I think in situations like ours we'll have good days and bad. I don't think it ever gets easier. I just take things day by day, week by week. That's all we can do.
I can't even imagine how you are coping right now. I guess I can imagine, but I am not looking forward to that feeling if I get pregnant again. I hope you can start to feel better soon.
And, as someone who is on a similar journey to yours, no way will I stop reading your blog because you are pregnant! I am happy for you...we are all in this together.
Please don't feel EVER feel guilty about being pregnant! Your pregnancy is just as much of a victory for so many of us, as if it were our own! You deserve this just as much as anyone else...moreso in my book b/c you've actually faced IF head on. Enjoy this pregnancy with everything you have...you've created a LIFE and if that's not something worth celebrating, than I don't know what is!!
(((HUGS)))
I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. Thinking about you and hoping you will be able to slowly let the joy sink in as this pregnancy progresses.
Big hugs to you. It makes complete sense to be joyful and fearful and disbelieving and everything else you are feeling. I'm sending good vibes for a beautiful ultrasound!
Waiting sucks, doesn't it? I don't really have anything else to add to what's already been said because it's all good, but I'll be thinking about you.
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