I cannot have imagined ever being here. Being anywhere over 8 weeks seemed like an impossible feat and the thought at being more into this pregnancy than I have left is amazing. I have not seen him since 16 weeks and will not until 32 weeks so I am, as usual, a bit anxious about how things are going in there. The thumps that get more powerful each day help a lot. In the last few days, I feel him more and more but still cannot feel him on the outside. I almost hope that takes a while longer because this is our little secret. I know when he is awake and I can feel him pick up his spinning routine, imagining he is delighted that I am eating ice cream.
I am still really scared. My belly growing and the constant movement coming from within me has made this little boy much more real. My mind wanders often into the idea that if I lost him, it would not be a miscarriage. I do not believe a miscarriage is 'easier', it is just I have been there twice and know what to do. This time in my pregnancy is uncharted and I want him so badly. These thoughts are not constant, but each time I feel him I want my body to work even harder to keep him safe for many more weeks.
Monday, March 2, 2009
22
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7 comments:
Previous losses truly ruin our chances to just simply enjoy pregnancy without constant worry that the past will repeat itself. Feeling him moving has to give you reassurance that things are just fine. You should get a doppler if you haven't done so already. They help a lot with the worries. Now, if we could only have our own private ultrasound machines... ;)
Its natural to feel a little worried, especially as you plow through uncharted territory. Hopefully the fact that your pregnancy has gone practically picture perfect will help reassure your mind that you will be seeing your little one, safe and sound in your arms in about 20 more weeks. =) Half way there!!!
Of course, you know the worry is so normal. There is so much good right now and so much to lose - it is hard to live in the hope and the joy. I loved that time when only I could feel Zane move - like our little secret. It is the beginning of a dance in many ways and it is so incredible. Falling in love can be so scary at times though.
Looking back, I lost more than babies with my miscarriages. I lost the ability to believe this pregnancy will end with a real, live baby.
I have had the same thoughts as well - not that an early miscarriage is easy by any means but I feel so much more connected to this baby. It feels like I have more at stake.
I know how you feel-at 34 weeks I still am nervous and scared something will happen. I guess though something worth loving that much comes with worry and is so worth it in the end! Hang in there-every day is a hurdle crossed!
Congratulations on passing the halfway mark. And I sooo understand the place that you are in at week 22. I don't think I started relaxing (albeit marginally) until I hit 24 weeks. At this point, for you though, I hope the worry starts to fade with each day. Am so glad he is kicking - the most reassuring thing.
Of course, the worry never fades completely. It just lessens itself. Right now the object of all that worry a year ago for me is sitting on my lap trying to type with me. And I still worry but they are remarkably resilient, as you will soon find out. You will be there soon enough, too.
Wow, 22 weeks! It funny how time can fly by on one hand but seem to stand still on the other. Keep focused on your baby boy's internal antics. Every bump and kick is him saying "Hi Mom, I'm just fine". :)
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