I have been thinking a lot about the morning that I miscarried. It has taken me a month to look back and really process what happened to me, to us...in our home. I think it is all coming up because AF is arriving and the sight of blood in my only bathroom in the house is pretty hard to deal with.
I had read a lot about miscarrying naturally when both of my pregnancies were going in the wrong direction and the experiences I read about sounded dreadful and emotionally and physically excruciating. These stories were the reason why I opted for the D and C both times. I did not want to go through that type of pain ever in my life...
I think even after I did go through this experience at home that morning, my mind somehow protected me. I was very strange that day, as if it was not really me that went through the motions of that morning. Yes, there was lot of blood and the worse pain I have felt in a while. There were all of the graphic details of losing your baby at home. These are the details that I remember clearly but what I had not looked back on, until now, was how I was emotionally... during that time, going through all of that.
What happened to me and how I dealt with my miscarriage was unlike what I imagined. I now look back and realize not a single tear was shed that morning, in fact....I think there was more giggling than anything. Wierd... I am positive you could have rang my doorbell at 7am that day, I would have answered and you would have no idea what was happening to me at the time.
How I reacted to my circumstances still has me pretty confused. But I look back now and think my mind took care of me that morning, somehow my mind put all of the raw emotions and put them someplace...allowing me to get through that morning before surgery. Small reminders of that day are are seeping back into my thoughts but I hope the real pain, the true experience of that day remains hidden someplace far away from me.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Reflection
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
WOW- boy am i glad that your mind protected you. I am speechless
I went through a m/c at home in Oct 2005 at 11 wks. I was given the choice of a d&c but opted to just stay home. I understand completely what you said about your mind protecting you from the intense pain- I sometimes wonder why or how I reated the way I did at the time. I remember my husband camped out on the bathroom floor and somehow we just sat up and talked all night long.
I did get pregnant again in March 2006 with twins (w/ Clomid) and I remember even being 28ish weeks still checking every single time to make sure there wasn't a drop of blood because I was terrified of what I really did not remember. Strange how our minds work.
I wish you the VERY BEST of luck in 2008, it will be your year!
Brianne
It is good sometimes that our minds kind of shut down and protect us from what is happening. I can't imagine going through that although I know many women do. I hope you don't have to again.
thanks so much for sharing...I agree how strange it is that your mind protects you. Many years ago I was in a terrible car accident. I completely blanked out the second it happened and til this day couldn't even tell you the color of the truck that hit my passenger side of the little car I was in. Times like this make you really realize what a mystery the human mind can be.
The mind is a powerful thing and it sounds like it really did a good job of going into 'strong mode' that day. I am thankful that you are so strong, and thankful that you have a husband who supported you during a very difficult time.
Post a Comment