I must say, I love the summer. Hubby and went on an ice cream sundae date to this place which is just too fun. Nothing says summer like a long line at the outside ice cream stand. I enjoyed a small hot fudge sundae with caramel swirl gelato....heavenly.
I have been really positive and forward thinking about trying for a baby again....until today. I have been in a really agitated state internally all day and my thoughts continue to turn to fear of this fall. I am excited to try again but I think it is excitement only because it is still months away until I really start trying again. When the time really comes I am scared I will chicken out. I cannot lose another pregnancy. I know I have taken a year off, had thousands of dollars of testing done and have a remodeled uterus....I know this. I also know that it is inevitably my nature to worry endlessly if I get pregnant again.
I would love to hear from some of you who have had losses and are currently expecting. How do you juggle the anticipation with the worrying? Was there a time in the pregnancy's progression when you felt more comfortable and began to believe in yourself and your body?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thinking ahead
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16 comments:
The losses have haunted me through my pregnancy, making me accutely aware that my body can and has failed. As I get farther along I have moments where I am calm, and I believe my body can succeed. But those moments are always followed with doubts and fears. At 20 weeks I still get scared, I sit down lay down when ever I just don;t feel "right" and I am cautious with my activities.
I am afraid most of us who have suffered losses wil always carry some fear with us. And some days I think it is just realistic. Pregnancy has historically been a very scary thing. The idea of the materal glow or the maternal bliss is really a myth. No pregnency is perfect. People like you and I just happen to have experience when the blis crumbles.
You'll do fine. It won't be a walk in the park, but you'll get through it. And there will be a big reward at the end.
Here is to the fall.
Meredith
Yum, gelato.
I have NO answers for you about how not to worry. I am a terrible offender. I agree that it's easy to feel positive and optimistic from a distance. Maybe we will be pregnant and terrified together by the fall and can pretend to be optimistic for the other's sake and maybe accidentally convince ourselves in the process?
It has yet to seem really real for me. I mean my tight pants and crazy veins tell me something is going on. But I find it so hard to believe what is really happening inside.
At times I think I worry needlessly as my losses came from pregnancies totally different than this one but I can't not worry. My friends worry that I'm not enjoying all the pregnancy seems to offer but I also know the heartache of a loss too.
I'm still early on, so I hope the fear and worry fades. I don't think it'll ever go away entirely but I know my losses have made me a stronger person. And I hpe that strength gives me faith and hope in my body that this will work.
The worry and fear never goes away. You just have to learn how to manage it. The first trimester is indeed scary. I went into a shell for most of the first trimester. Then you'll clear each hurdle until one day your OB will tell you that even if you delivered today, you'd have a healthy baby. Then you can start to breathe and really believe that you'll have a pregnancy make it all the way. Of course, also by then, the baby's ass will be up in your ribs so it will be hard to breathe.
OK, I am not currently expecting, but it was recently enough that I still remember.
I lost my 1st baby at 10 weeks. About 19 weeks when we found out the gender, I relaxed. I did continue to have some doubts about bringing home a live baby all the way up until delivery though. I think once you have lost a baby it is hard to believe you won't lose another. I hope this helps.
I lost a baby last December but I'm currently almost 20 weeks pregnant again. I have one son who is almost 2 1/2 so I'm not new to the pregnancy thing.
However, I was in a constant state of fear for the first 12 weeks, no lie. In fact, my husband and I didn't hardly talk about it until after an ultrasound at 11 weeks.
Even now I have huge anxiety the night before an appointment even though I can feel the baby moving throughout the day and I'm doing fine and so is the baby.
I will not lie and say it gets easier. It doesn't for me. However, on the flip side of that, every time I go to the doctor for a check up or ultrasound, I have immense relief and joy when I see the baby or hear the heartbeat.
So you will be scared when you start trying, I was. You will be scared when you get that BFP, I was. And you'll probably be terrified of every little thing the first part of the pregnancy, or the entire way, just like I get nervous quite frequently. I hear it's normal and to be expected.
The thing to remember is that you must take every good thing and hold it dear. Rejoice over every milestone you meet. You cannot let the fear over take the pregnancy and not let you enjoy the time.
This is just what I'm trying to live through right now! So, here's my mantra when I start thinking "Why the f*ck did I agree to this again??"
1. We have a new protocol we are following with the shots and progesterone suppositories. I really want to give this a try before I 'close up shop'.
2. I have set a time limit (or loss limit) on babymaking. This is the big one for me. I know I can only handle this one more time, so I won't ask any more of myself than that. So if this pregnancy ends, we're adopting and I never have to feel like I should have tried again.
3. I have a wonderful RE and new OB that I love, and I *hated* my old OB who I was with through my last losses. I look forward to seeing them, because they treat me with respect and I also don't have any bad memories associated with their offices.
4. My new friends I have made through blogging (like you!) will support me if things don't work out. I won't ever feel alone again like I did the last three times.
So there's my long-winded mantra. Hope it helps you a bit. And I will absolutely be there for you come fall when you need some courage. You're a brave one, M!
i agree with everyone else - you will be fearful - period. getting past the point of your previous m/c in the new pregnancy helps - but it is still scary. i do think as each week passes uneventfully you will learn how to manage your fear.
i'm just shy of 11 weeks...so almost at the end of the first trimester and truly past the scariest of the scary part of pregnancy. i even heard the baby's strong heartbeat on my home doppler yesterday. and i'm still scared that when we do the first trimester screening next week the baby will be gone. it is just realistic...once you've had a loss it always haunts you.
wishing you the best of luck!
Thank you for asking this question. Our last pregnancy was so different from the first early losses, it seemed to be a strong pregnancy, and yet I still worried.
I know that I want to try yet again, but fear/anxiety/panic are right there, getting in the way. I hope you find your way through to a healthy pregnancy, and one where fear is balanced with hope. It's a hard, hard journey.
I also want to thank you for this post. We have been trying for a while since our last MC and as badly as I want it, just before the end of the 2WW I start to panic. At what point will I stop worrying? I am afraid that I will never have that idyllic, blissful pregnancy.
I had a previous loss at 13 weeks and am currently the p-word (and at 34 weeks). My worry has never gone away completely - I still dread each and every OB appointment, even though I feel the babies move every day. I still have a hard time actually verbalizing my "condition". Still difficult to believe that this will end with real babies. I guess loss does that to a person.
But I think it was you, back when I first got this BFP, who said that all I could do each day was live as healthy as possible and each night be thankful for another healthy day for my babies. And, that is what I've done. Excellent advice.
We only have so much control over things.
I know it's scary to think about trying again - but you can do it. And, we'll be here if you need support.
I've had 3 losses. They've also remained with me this whole time. I'm currently 39w2d pregnant.
I still worry that my baby will be born still, or that I will be the one where I have a baby with something wrong.
But, mostly, mostly, I feel ok.
Mostly, I take joy in feeling movement, and getting things ready.
Its a huge leap.
But one we take, fear notwithstanding.
It's never easy! It took me few months after my doctor gave me green signal to start TTC. I would have taken some more time but I was scared that may be this time it would take me even longer only to concieve.
And now I am done with the knocking up part but I am scared every moment about something going wrong. But above all I am really glad that I could gather up my courage to start this journey again.
The fear lingers. It was about 26 weeks before I decided that yes, I would probably get a take-home baby.
Courtney is okay. Possible induction tomorrow.
I do not think the fear goes away. With my successful pregnancy, I got a doppler, and that helped a LOT. But with that pregnancy, i had complications that went undetected (b/c my dr's were not paying attention) until it was ALMOST too late. Thank G-d everything ended up fine, but now that I am pregnant again, even if I make it through the beginning worries, I know that at the end I will have a very hard time, too. Worrying if I am going to have the same complication.
I was pretty much terrified every day of the first trimester. Once we had gotten past that sacred point, I was a little less terrified, but still so very scared. I think it wasn't until around the 24th week of pregnancy, when I was consistently feeling the baby move and at what is considered viability, that I could really breathe easier. And even now, I still have moments of fear and uncertainty.
I know many people rent or purchase dopplers - you could try that. For me, I didn't want to be at home, not be able to get a heartbeat, and then freak out - possibly for no reason. So, I never got one. But I think once you know how to use them, they can be a lifesaver.
Thinking of you.
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