I went out with 2 girlfriends last night and we got to talking about getting pregnant, naturally because they know about me trying and because one of them is 10 weeks preggo (expensive maternity jean girl). When they asked me if I was ever going to get pregnant I told them "at some point". Then the preggo one mocks me and says to K, "Yeah, but we won't know about it for 16 weeks." They continued to talk about my plans in a awkward way, as if they a)thought I was wrong for being more reserved in sharing my news and b) talked as if I was not there.
This was just the topping to a horrible feeling I have that there is just so much judgment and opinion about other people's lives and decisions. Why do I have to feel that I owe an explanation for how I behave to anyone?
I feel really beaten up by this today.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Is there really a right way?
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19 comments:
there is nothing like loss and IF to turn a good friends into an idiot with a foot in their mouth. I am sorry this was a yucky night. I still feel like I have the plague. If you have a hard pregancy, it gets even worse... People just don't know how to "handle" you.
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Where did you find friends like that?!!! Some support! I can't believe after all you've been through, that they have the heart to judge you.
What kind of question is "are you ever going to get pregnant?"! Especially coming from someone who knows your struggles!
ugh.
I am so sorry your friends hurt you like that. Most of my insensitive, judgmental and hurtful comments about IF came from someone very close to me - so I can relate as well.
It is heart wrenching to be judged like that, for something that is a source of such pain and for something you are simply trying to move through in the best way you know how. It smacks of arrogance on their part, for sure.
We all know others who have made choices, or had reactions to something in t we really don't agree with, and would never choose for ourselves and certainly we have all judged because of this - but the real test is what we do with that. And anyone with any sensitivity and heart would keep their misgivings about how you are walking in this journey to themselves. And maybe if they care, really care about you - they could have asked more about YOU, and why you feel the way you do, why you would be so reluctant to share new pregnancy news.
Any way you cut it though, it hurts to the core when you come across judgmental, thoughtless comments like those - especially somewhere you should feel safe. I am so sorry you got so blindsided and I kinda wanna go kick their asses for you. (more than kinda)
Big big hugs to you. There are many of us who understand and support you in this. We are here for you.
I had to quit friends like that for a time.
So sorry you felt unsupported and, worse, invisible.
Ugh.
That upsets me because of how they treated you. That's never right. I would keep it a secret too. It hurts too much to have to "untell" people.
Big, big hugs to you today!
Does these friends know about your losses? It sounds like they don't. Maybe it's their awkward (terrible) way of trying to express their desire to be more included in your life?
I'm sorry sweetie. Nothing is worse than feeling alone when we are with other people, especially our friends or family, Sad to say we all know how it feels.
I'm so sorry they judged you like that. You have every right in the world to feel however you want. That's just not fair of them. Did you sit quietly or did you say something?
Do these girls know about the losses you have been through?!?! Either way, it is totally unacceptable.
There are only a few people who know about my m/c last year. The probing questions from the ones who know are the ones that hurt the worst.
I am so sorry you had to sit through that. I can imagine only a few things more hurtful.
((((HUGS))))
I'm so sorry they made you feel that way.
Wow, some friends :(
I am sorry you had to experience that. It is no one else's business when you are pregnant and when you decide to tell. Everyone is comfortable with different things. Some of us find it helpful to tell people early on so we have people praying for us or so we know the support will be there if things end badly, and some of us just need to keep it to ourselves until we are ready to share. There is no right and wrong and no better way.
I am sorry your friends couldn't just support you. Honestly, I think you should just tell them it is none of their damn business and you'll tell them when you are good and ready, even if that means waiting until the baby is in your arms. If they can't support you instead of mock you then they don't deserve to know.
I said to dp last night that I would never ever ask another couple "so, when are you going to start having kids".
3 hours later at a BBQ we were asked when we are going to try again. I said not until next year. I was then told 'mmm well that will make you even older and even more unlikely to carry to term".
I was sooo upset, but as 'admin' said, I think friends get foot in mouth disease and the filter part of their brain stops working.
I'm sorry that you were made to feel like you weren't even there.
Seriously?! I would have told them to shut it! What the hell? They're totally out of line. I hope they never have to go through a miscarriage.
ouch. I hope you have more supportive friends than those. Obviously, they have never suffered when it comes to pregnancy. Did you tell them how you feel?
Hey. We're going through another miscarriage right now and DH and I keep quoting your blog name. Why are we always on the wrong side of the statistic??????
I'm sure they didn't mean to be cruel. I think it's just ignorance. You don't know what it's like unless you have been through it yourself. Hugs!
Some people just don't get it to tell you the truth. I had family members upset that we waited so long to share our news who didn't understand that horrible feeling of telling people when you've lost a child.
We waited until 12 weeks and even then still didn't spread the word to the world. We slowly did it and for us it was right.
I am sorry!
People just suck. I'm sorry they were so rude and insensitive to you.
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