So somehow between yesterday and today, I have returned to being absolutely petrified to try and get pregnant again. It is not actually the "trying" but really it is the day when I see two lines again. I am so scared of that moment, it means I begin an emotionally charged, terrifying and very hopeful time. I relayed my fear to my husband and he sent a sweet email to me.
"I love you too. Some days will be good and others not so good, but remember the final goal. It's worth it!"
Final goal......hmmmm. Not sure what that is. Well I guess that goal is in fact a truly healthy baby born alive. My final goal about a year ago was convincing my husband we should have 4 kids. He only wants two and I want four, so we settled for 3. Well...I must admit I secretly wanted a Kennedy clan of kids playing football on my front lawn. Now I cannot even think about that silly assumption I made, that 3 would just magically grow without any problems.
When I was pregnant twice, I still had that 12 week mark as a goal of mine, when I would be able to relax more...tell people about our nugget inside and maybe even begin thinking of names. Now, that 12 week mark seems silly to me too.
I am not sure where this is coming from. I feel so much of my innocence has been sucked out of my body. At this moment, I cannot imagine feeling secure and safe at any point of my pregnancy. Go read a few blogs about babies who were due soon and then passed away. Normal, healthy fully grown babies whose cord wrapped around their neck or their heart simply stopped for some reason. I cannot stop thinking about the reality that this does happen, not often... but it does.
The only thing I can think is to remember each night when I am pregnant, no matter how far along, to enjoy the moment and to thank my lucky stars that I had another wonderful day. Hopefully those wonderful days will be many and the final goal will be a healthy baby born...but no matter what part of my pregnancy, I just never know what can happen.
Sorry, I am in a really weird place today.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The final goal....
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9 comments:
I try to balance that fear you write about with thoughts of the goal of a healthy happy bouncing baby.
This whole thing is a very scary process. There are times where I miss being ignorant of what can go wrong but then I also know a lot that I hope can help me. I'm sure that you do also and while it will be scary the thoughts of reaching that goal will help hopefully. Good luck.
IF is, metaphorically, the world's biggest laboratory for experimenting with presence.
Being present. Not in the emotional hurts of the past or the mental fears of the future.
When you feel the hurt or the fear, breathe. Breathe and release.
(And yes, I should take my own medicine.)
Okay, this may mean nothing coming from someone who has never been pregnant, but I'll tell you what my OB told me when I expressed fears about all that could go wrong (back in the day where we thought we'd get pregnant right away). Every person is different. Every pregnancy is different. All you can do is take care of yourself, hope for the best and try not to make yourself crazy with worry. I like Lori's idea of living in the present. Very sound advice and a good goal in itself.
I'm having a hard time with the whole 'final goal' thing. I agree with Lori's advice...and am going to have to try really hard to take it myself.
God I think of this almost daily. I can't even think about what it would be like to raise a child (do people really worry about that?) I can't even get past the first 12 weeks in my mind. There are days that I just want to say, that's it, I give up I'm just adopting. But then I think no...darn it...I'm seeing this thing out. Don't you wish you can just snap your fingers and be done with labor and all? sigh.
After everything you've been through, these anxieties are entirely natural.
I know it's difficult, but we have to try to walk that fine line between the worry that something may go wrong, and the hope that it won't.
Lori had some very wise words, which I too am going to try to follow.
It's not a wierd place, it is the place in which you have been put. It is scary to have your innocence sucked out. To no longer be blissfull about a pregnancy but questioning all that can go wrong.
It's best to keep the optomism, (assuming you are an optomist!) and push the pessimism aside.
I wish you luck and peace on your journey to a litlle one that "sticks" and stays!
Would you believe that when we first started trying my husband and I used to argue over if we would have FOUR or SIX??? I said there was no way we could manage six and we would laugh and giggle and fantasize. Funny how time changes you doesn't it?
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